The Redemption of Iodine

by Vered Arnon

In China, Iodine is coloured with red dye, for some reason beyond the grasp of limited human consciousness. Red things, in America, are considered Communist. But Iodine is not Communist. This is clearly proven by its physical properties, chemical properties, uses, dangers, discovery, and current status.

First of all, the physical properties of iodine make it easily discernable from a Communist. Communists are red, with no standard state, no melting point, no boiling point, and a density at room temperature that varies greatly. They have not been given an atomic number, and their atomic mass varies to the extent of their density. There are various isotopes, such as the Chinese, Russian, and Korean isotopes, and more are being discovered as history’s revisionists continue their research. There may even be an American isotope.

Iodine, however, is a dark grey or lustrous bluish black in colour, and its standard state is to be solid at 298 K. Its melting point is 386.85 K, its boiling point is 457.4 K, and its density at room temperature is 4660 kg m(-3), with a molar volume of 25.72 cm(3). Iodine’s atomic number is 53, and its atomic mass is 126.90447. Most importantly, there is only one naturally occurring isotope of Iodine. Clearly, this beautiful innocent element has nothing in common with the spooky, creepy Communists!

Iodine’s chemical properties are another thing that set it free from all accusations. Communists are intensely reactive, and produce explosions, or threaten to produce explosions, even when they come in contact with nothing. They do not dissolve readily in anything but water. For inexplicable reasons, thoroughly spraying Communists with fire hoses gradually dilutes and disperses them, as the United States Government has discovered when trying to dissolve rallies and protests. Communists are also incapable of having any possible ion charges, since their atomic structures strangely contain neither S nor P orbitals. Confounding natural law, they possess only C orbitals, that are hopelessly dogmatic, in which the two electrons engage in constant class struggle.

Iodine, on the other hand, is less reactive than the other halogens. It has metallic-like properties. It dissolves readily in chloroform, carbon tetrachloride, and carbon disulphide, to form very beautiful purple solutions. Communists have never produced anything purple, let alone anything beautiful. Furthermore, Iodine is only slightly soluble in water, cutting a clear contrast between itself and the scary Communists. Finally, not to go unnoticed, are Iodine’s 7 valences. Iodine has seven possible ion charges, in its outermost S and P orbitals. It is a natural, healthy element, and doesn’t even have C orbitals.

Another striking way to prove that Iodine is not Communist, is to examine its uses. Communists have absolutely no use, although they claim to liberate the working class proletariats from the oppressive upper class bourgeoisie. In fact, all they do is complicate matters through years of rebellious struggle, until the United States’ government sends in the military to destroy their momentum.

Iodine, however, is a very good and useful element. It is the most important element required in the human diet, in that it is the heaviest. Without Iodine, people would develop goitres in their necks. Iodine is a beneficial nutrient. Moreover, Iodine has other uses as well. Iodide, and thyroxin which contains iodine, are used internally in medicine. KI and iodine in a solution of alcohol are used for disinfecting external wounds. Silver iodide is used in photography. And last but not least, iodine is used in laboratories, to signify the free element if it turns a deep blue colour in a starch solution. Since the big bad Communists are neither good nor useful, clearly Iodine is not Communist!

To look further at the sharp contrast between Iodine and Communists, one need only contrast the dangers of the two. Admittedly, Iodine does have some dangers. As an element, it is toxic, in that the vapour state irritates the eyes and lungs. Maximum concentration in the air when working with Iodine is only 1 mg m(-3). Also, all iodides are toxic if taken in excess. But one need only look at the dangers of Communists to realise how safe Iodine actually is!

Communists might not be toxic, but they will pollute water if they get in. They will sabotage electric cables, jeopardise public transport systems, and redistribute land. They will burn books, shout slogans, give all people equal rights, and oppress all freedom of expression. They irritate not the eyes and lungs, but the politicians, which can be fatal to a political administration. And concentration of Communists at all prohibits any sort of productive work. And although they are not toxic, Communists cause great trouble if taken at all, let alone taken in excess. Certainly Iodine is not dangerous at all, compared to the terrible wicked Communists!

Even the discovery of Iodine, versus that of Communists, clears up any confusion. Iodine was discovered in France in 1811 by a chemist named Bernard Courtis, who isolated Iodine while treating seaweed with sulphuric acid while recovering sodium and potassium compounds. Iodine is named for its beautiful colour, after the Greek word “iodes” (iodes) which means “violet”. Greece was the birthplace of democracy, and France was the birthplace of modern European democracy. Obviously, an element with roots in such lofty and honourable traditions cannot have anything in common with the base, vile Communists!

It is well known that Communists were discovered by Leon Trotsky, while reading works of Karl Marx, when he was looking for a weapon with which to fight the Russian Revolution at the turn of the Nineteenth Century. Karl Marx was a German who lived in England. Germany can boast of no glory like that of France or Greece. In fact, the Germans historically were uncivillised, and did not receive true democracy until the Twentieth Century. The Russians have yet to exhibit it. Thus, without a doubt, Iodine and Communists are so far apart, that even Iodine’s beautiful violet past is not tainted by Communism’s ugly red prints!

Currently, there is no reason why Iodine should be maligned and called Communist. It exists as an additive in table salt, to nourish people. It is readily available to chemistry labs at an affordable price, for scientific experiments. The emergency room at the hospital also has a good stock of the rich purple solution, to disinfect injuries. Although Iodine’s cost as an element is not readily available, it is sufficiently abundant as a naturally occurring element that it must be quite inexpensive. In China, pharmacies and hospitals are stocked with the iodine-alcohol solution. Strangely, a red dye is added to the solution, obliterating the lovely deep purple colour and replacing it with the symbol of Communism. Unfortunately, this is what started the whole issue. And even more unfortunately, there is no explanation to this bizarre phenomenon. It occurs only in China.

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